HOW TO DEFUSE AN ATOMIC BOMB

Just like all things on God’s fair earth, the object of our concern this day, atomic bombs (READ FEMALES) has classifications. I shall take this opportunity to inform my humble reader to disregard any scrap of information they have read, overheard or watched on TV as regards to atomic bombs. We start from scratch. This is the REAL THING!

In all likelihood of encountering such an earth shattering phenomena as an atomic bomb, and trust me the odds favor you coming across one; you just don’t realize what you just passed by – what I suggest is, be calm, collected, do not do anything stupid that would get yourself and those around you killed. Simply follow my simple directives on how to defuse one and I guarantee you might even take one home as a souvenir!

Classifying an atomic bomb (read ‘female’)

An avid fan of preparation and proper diagnosis, I would suggest anyone intending to defuse an atomic bomb to first and foremost classify what exactly it is they have on their hands: there is the miniature short-fused ballistic bomb or the pudgy double- sided implosive variety that also tends to come off the production line as standard normal size issue.

Step 1

Start by disconnecting the wires that connect the atomic bomb to the detonator, a device highly disguised, say as sharp acid-coated words squeezed in between sentences ,oppressive pregnant silent treatment after a simple misunderstanding between the sexes, or the more often…”talk to the hand!”

How to disconnect? Candy coated niceties- Honey! Sweetie!, Darling!, blah blah blah! I personally do not go the whole mile, but anyways, a doctor doesn’t necessarily need to take his own medicine.

Caution! Remember to smile, smile and smile whatever she says! Be the bigger person.

Step 2

Remove the neutron trigger button. This can be simply by purchasing the highly recommended trigger machine package – flowers and chocolate. The atomic bomb would normally collapse within itself and melt! Yes, that easy! Though, not to be a kill-joy, this is known to sometimes backfire and then, all hell will break lose! Nobody wants to be spat at with sulphur and brimstone.

In this case, I advise plan B: go for the high end stuff: a night at Serena though from what I hear, Ssese might just do the trick; an engagement ring too could work, maybe a new Forester if your pockets run that deep. At this stage, the bomb still has the capability to detonate, though not anytime soon!

Step 3

Carefully remove the two metal scraps, making sure they never touch. What I mean in other words, the isotopes of uranium: perceived truthfulness carefully cultivated over a number of months and even years: phony business text messages sent from a buddy’s phone, nonexistent schedules we never follow unless cornered. Stuff like that, as compared to what is: wild nights clubbing, sick leave that surprisingly she doesn’t get to know about as you leave as always for work every morning, and the ATM cards stashed somewhere in the office. These precautions are a necessity for someone who considers himself sharp enough to detonate an atomic bomb.

Step 4

The above directives have to be followed to the letter for the miniature fused ballistic atomic bombs if there’s to be any peace of mind, minus war, that is. These bombs tend to go off without warning and the damage is irreparable! So BEWARE! On the other hand, the pudgy double-sided variety is easy to handle for any lay guy out there without coming off as a rocket scientist. They have a 10 second delay mechanism that means you can rectify any wrong wire cut. Simply solder it back! Sorry also helps. The lies are even better. I normally go for the former type of bomb. I like a challenge and I know one when I see it.

Disclaimer:

 If defusing an atomic bomb fails after following these simple steps, I hereby distance myself from the disappointed part. I will not be associated with losers! Neither do I accept blame incase the detonation went awry along the way. This is all a matter of personal touch. Other than that, enjoy the fruits of my labour!